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--2003-06-18

Fuck men

my internet had been very limited, it seems to be back up so I will put my entries in, in order now if it lets me


Boy, oh boy. Am I a little fucked up in the head or what? Pat is going to lecture me and I just donít want to hear it. She has always encouraged me to stay the hell away from Marcus because of diseases and things and I went and did it anyway. Oh well, there is nothing she can do anyway. Itís my sex life. We used a condom, sheíll just have to get over it. I donít even want to tell her about it. I think if I do, Iíll just tell her flat out to skip the lecture, I donít need it.

I think it would help if I wasnít rebounding from Stan. It would help a lot. But oh well, itís too much to worry about right now I guess. I want to call over to Lynís tonight, but Iím trying to convince myself not to, sheís going to get sick of me calling all the time. I canít help it! I think Iíll only call if I get a letter from Stan or something. And if I do call, Iíll just say Iím calling to make sure she still wants to go shopping tomorrow. Not that I think I would be fooling her at all.

LATER...

Why do men have to be such assholes? Iíve always wondered that.

Stan has gone nuts. I guess he got the break up letter today and now heís lost his mind. Oh well. I feel no sympathy for him. He wants to come home and Ďclean some clocksí. Yay! Heís so damn stupid. Iím just afraid that if he does come home, heís gonna like stalk me or something. Heís not a stable boy and I donít even want to deal with him anymore. Even if it wasnít true about the girl--even though I truly believe he did do it--I still wouldnít want him back. Iíve tasted freedom again and I like it.

And fuck Marcus too. Iím so through with men right now. I donít give a damn if heís mad at me anymore. I still want to fuck the shit out of him, but itís just not worth the guessing games.

Hopefully, Lyn will come with me to the pool hall this weekend. Iím assuming Iím not wanted wherever the guys are going, and Lynís got a baby-sitter for the night, so she said if she doesnít go with them, sheíll do something with me.

Men suck. All of them. Now Stanís going to rat Walt out to Nancy about Donna. I just think heís got too many problems. I canít deal with them. I donít want to deal with them. I just want to have the freedom to go where I want when I want and have any guy that I want--that guy on the avenue would be good for a start-- I donít know anything anymore anyway. I mean, I want Marcus for sex, but heís just too hard to figure out. Too much ego.

I realize now that I just wasnít ready for a relationship and thatís all Stan did want. I wasnít ready to settle down. Being single again now, I wonder if I ever will be ready to get involved with someone on more than a sexual level.

I guess I just donít know anything anymore!



Held Back--Let Go

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