Anyway, I have officially graduated. HOORAY!!! I�ve gotten my diploma and am finally done night school. I was really upset because Donna couldn�t make it to my graduation. You don�t even know how deeply disappointed I was. Then I was mad. I felt like I have done so damn much for that family and the one thing that Don and me had planned on for two years she backed out on. It wasn�t her fault though. Tammy wouldn�t let her go because she didn�t want the house left alone cause Psycho Victor was on the loose.

But we just moved them into a trailer in Litchfield yesterday and Tammy is filing for divorce so things should improve there. Except for the fact that Donna now lives even farther away. It�s almost a half an hour from Augusta. So even if we move to Augusta, there will still be quite a distance there. Not to even mention the distance now. Mom will never let me go out there and see her as often as I do now. And calling into Gardiner and Augusta is a toll call from Litchfield. It�s going to suck big time.

Oh well, I�m sure we�ll work it out somehow. I hope.

Meanwhile, Stan� right now I�m just not sure what to think of him. He went on a Senior trip to Sugarloaf last night. All the seniors are going. Which means his ex Sam is going. This normally wouldn�t bother me, but lately he�s been talking about her more than usual, and he says that she wants him back. I say if that�s what he wants then fine, no problem. But if he thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too...I don�t think so. I don�t know why I have been so worried about him cheating on me lately. Maybe it�s cause of Walt.

See, Walt has a girlfriend, but he cheated on her with Donna. And Walt is the sweetest, nicest guy I know. That�s the problem. I guess I figure that if a guy like Walt can do it, then they all will. It�s like I�ve lost whatever little faith I had left in men because of him.

Ever since then all I can think of is that Stan�s going to fuck around. Which is fine if we don�t have a commitment, but he�s going to know that if he can than I can also. That would be the whole point of not having a commitment to each other. However, he�s been acting all along like we already do have a commitment. I guess I would just be disappointed if he did it. Cause it would be like over two months wasted. I�ve never had a relationship last that long.

That�s the scary part. I�ve been with him long enough now to be comfortable around him. It takes a long time for that to happen with me and I�m getting there now. I can actually approach him physically, and not just sexually either, without that deep fear of rejection I normally get. I�ve never gotten to this stage with other guys. Chuck doesn�t count cause by the time I got to know him that well I didn�t want him anymore.

I think that�s why the sex with Stan is so much better than it was at the beginning. I�m comfortable now. That�s why I would be so disappointed if he did anything last night. Because I would have to dump him. Either that, or we assume an open kind of relationship where I can have some fun too.

Who knows? I�ll find out tomorrow when I go up there. I�ll see if he acts any different. I told Donna that he would either be excessively sweet from the guilt or distant. Either that or he'll just plain break down about how he doesn�t want to lose me and give me a stupid excuse why.

The other thing that is bothering me about that little situation is that last night I started to say something to him that I didn�t mean to say. It was pure habit. I was leaving and he says, �Love you.� And strictly out of habit I started to answer with Love you too. I didn�t finish it because I realized whom I was talking to. I just kind of went: �Oops, I almost got myself in trouble.� And he says: �I heard that!� So I start walking away yelling that I didn�t say it. And he was yelling back that I did, and I just kept yelling �Did not!�

It was habit. When Sarah, or my mother says Love ya, I of course say Love you too. That�s all. Now he�s going to think that I meant it. I mean I do really care about him and all that crap, but I don�t think I�m in love with him yet. How would I know anyway, I�ve never been in love before in the first place?

But the thing that gets me is that now if he did anything last night and I dump him, he�s going to think that I actually loved him. Or even if he thinks that I love him that he�ll think he can get away with doing something.

He said he went to the rink Friday night and one of his Ex-girlfriends, Becky said she wanted to go back out with him. That doesn�t bother me. What bother�s me is the fact that he was bragging to me about it. As if to say, �See, other people want me too.� I say, go for it if you want to. Just let me know so I can go out and get a Man with a job and a goal in life.

Anyway, he told me that the only way he could get her off his back was to tell her that we were getting married before he goes into the military. I said as long as you know that�s a lie. He said he knew that. But later when we were all sitting around talking he brought it up again and we were joking about it I said �I ain�t never getting married.� And he starts stuttering and stammering and we started laughing at him and he says �well how are you going to come with me when I go then?�

I said �We�re not going to talk about his now, you know I want to go to school.� He points out that I can go to school down there. I said �Stan, we�ve already discussed this I don�t want to go anywhere.'

And Donna tried to be helpful and point out that if we had something that was going to last then it would wait the four years till he got out. If it didn�t then we just would end up getting a divorce anyway. And he says �Who do you think I would rather get a divorce from.� So damn bright that boy.

Then Tammy tries to help and tells him how she hadn�t known her husband that long before she married him and look what happened. She told him not to rush into anything. When all that persuading didn�t work Donna, Cora, and Chuck all oh-so-helpfully volunteered the information that I was an absolute bitch to live with anyway. So he�d be dead by the end of the first week. Nothing really seemed to faze him. That�s what I don�t understand, he says he loves me and I know that he really cares about me, but I also know that he still loves Sam.

Scary.

All I know is that I play second fiddle to no one anymore and I don�t have to take any shit.

Well, that was fairly deep wasn�t it kids? I�m so tired. I didn�t get home last night until around two in the morning. After the move we went to the graduation and after the graduation we went to the pool hall then I stayed up to Don�s for a little while before I went home. I slept until eleven thirty but I�m still exhausted. I think I�ll hit the sack when I�m done writing.

I have a session with my shrink Pat in the morning. I don�t know how much I�m going to tell her. I think I�ll tell her of my fear that he�s run around on me but I don�t think I�ll tell her about my slip of the tongue. She�ll try and tell me it was subconscious or some such bullshit. I really don�t think it was. I think it was just habit. Because when I said it, it just came out. There was absolutely no thinking behind it. I mean, I know that I have been feeling stronger towards him lately but I think that�s just cause I�m getting more and more comfortable around him.

Oh yeah, and for some reason he lied to me. He told me that the Sugarloaf trip was mandatory but Walt said it wasn�t. And when I confronted him about it he said that he honestly thought that it was. Which may be true but it just sounded kind of funny to me. I guess I just have a suspicious mind lately but I have this feeling that he planned to do something on this little trip.

I�ll know soon enough I suppose. I hope I�m wrong. I would really like to be able to trust him. That�s the thing. I really don�t trust him. And it has nothing to do with him. I mean, he hasn�t really given me any reason not to trust him. It�s just the fact that he�s a man, and therefore cannot be trusted when it comes to matters of the heart. I know it�s a fucked up way of thinking, but not really. I mean, every guy I�ve ever been interested has in one way or another done something to make me not trust him. So it just makes sense, to me anyway, that I not trust any other men either. It�s probably not all that fair to Stan cause he has been real sweet to me so far, but that�s just the way I am.

That�s another fear, is that if you tell a man that you have feelings for him he�s either going to start to play it cool because he knows he has you. Either that or he�s going to use whatever you tell him against you. Maybe both. That�s another distrust-by-experience I suppose. I just can�t help it.

I�ve come a lot farther than I ever thought I would come with Stan though. But it makes me nervous when he talks so far ahead into the future. Then again it makes me nervous when he doesn�t give me constant attention. I don�t know...He just can�t win with me I guess.

I�m tired. I�ll sign off for now. Wow, I didn�t expect to write this much� Not that my mind is totally consumed with Stan or anything. ARRRGH!!!!!!

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic