Back to James...It seems we have a little problem. We did some figuring and Sarah is about a week late for her period. I�m not thrilled. She has only slept with James twice since her last period and they used condoms both times. One of the times as near as we can figure she was ovulating. One of the two times one of the condoms broke. Sarah cannot remember which time that was.

Last night we ran all over hell and back trying to find Walter. We were going to ask him for the seven dollars needed to buy a pregnancy test. However, the little boy has gone up to camp until Friday. Last I knew Sarah had told James�s parents that she was having an emergency and to please tell James that. I don�t know if he showed up last night or not. They don�t have a phone or anything and I seriously doubt James can remember where they live.

I don�t think she should tell James anything. He�s only going to pressure her into abortion anyway. And while I think that is the best option for her right now, I think it should be her own decision and no one else�s. And if he gets a hold of her, she�ll do whatever he says. I don�t think she would have an abortion personally. She has always wanted a little one of her own. The problem there is she doesn�t fully understand the responsibility of taking care of an infant. Not to mention the fact that it is a full-time job for the rest of her life. She�s only fifteen. She has so much fun left to have in her little life.

Oh well, I�m not going to jump to conclusions. Whatever happens happens. I�m going to go up tomorrow. Stan thinks I�m coming up Thursday. Maybe I�ll surprise him and catch him doing something he�s not supposed to be doing.

I almost forgot. I had a dream last night about him. It was really weird. Sam was on trial or something for murder and Stan and me were still together and we were on the jury. It all took place in my grandparent�s garage. I remember being completely pissed because Stan was comforting her a little too much and I was real jealous. Then I remember asking him if she did it and he said yes she did. I said oh good, I thought you were going to lie to me and he said: �Baby you know I wouldn�t lie to you.� --wonder where I got that line!

It was all very strange but I suppose it shows me that I still have this major fear that he�s going to go back to her. I�ll kill him. Actually, I am not going to be like that. There would be nothing I could do about it if he wanted her. So I�d let him go peacefully. But I would never take him back. And I know that he would want to come back too. But I wouldn�t do it. I have too much self-respect for that. And I�ll make sure he knows that too.

I think that it�s time for me to evaluate just how I feel about old Stan. I just wish I knew how to do that. I mean, yes, I care about him...he knows that. I just don�t know when exactly it goes from caring to caring a lot to caring a real lot etc. to being in love. I just don�t know and no one can seem to tell me.

I know that if I asked Donna all she would tell me is don�t do it. I suppose if I pressed the issue she would tell me what the symptoms are, but then she�ll think that I�m in love and if I was, --not that I am--I�m not sure I�d want her to know. Because all I�d hear about is what a mess I�m getting into and to get out while I can and crap like that.

It really aggravates me because just cause she�s got lousy taste in men doesn�t mean that everyone else does. And she can�t say too damn much right now seeing as she seems to be falling into something very similar to love with our pal Walter. She�ll deny it till the end of time, but she also denied that she had fallen in love with Scott for a very long time. I remember that one. And so far everything is the same about the way she�s been acting. The only difference is that she�s trying to be all cool about it, but I know she�s all mushy inside.

In her current situation, she�s much better at picking men. Walt compared to Scott is just silly. Walt is the complete opposite. He�s sweet and obedient--very important! But her seeking of the conditions is just the same. He�s in love with someone else and it doesn�t look like he�s planning on leaving. It�s like she picks with situations that will just never work out. I am no head shrinker--yet--but I think something�s wrong there.

Oh well, that�s something for her to take up with her shrink Judy if she chooses to. I know she knows that it�s a problem because she�s brought it up herself.

I can�t help her when I don�t even know how to help myself. My biggest question is: If you have never been in love, how the hell do you know when you are in it??? Won�t anyone help me??

I think that when I first met Chuck I thought that I had loved him because I wanted so desperately to be in love. I was seventeen and all my friends were in love. It was the in thing to do. So I convinced myself that I was. The feelings I had for Chuck in the beginning were very similar to the feelings I first felt for Stan. It�s just the newness of it. It�s like: �oh he�s interested in me� Not a big deal after the first couple of weeks. Now it�s been over two months and I�m not sure what�s normal to feel. I�ve never been with a guy this long. I�ve never stuck it out. Now I�m on unfamiliar ground and that scares me.

Then of course there is the whole military thing. He�s leaving in less than two months. What if I decide that I�ve fallen in love with him and then he goes away for four months? Then what? And what if I don�t feel like I�ve fallen but we�re still committed when he goes away and then I meet someone. I�ll feel like a complete asshole.

And his family hates me apparently. His mother saw a hickey that I put on his neck and she flipped. She says that he can do better than me. Yeah right! Sorry Stan, but I�ve seen you�re ex�s. Not counting Sarah of course. So now apparently I�m trash or something. I�m not worried about it, but I think that it really bugs him. Personally, I don�t think she deserves him. She treats him like total shit and he does everything for her. He�s even taking his own graduation money and buying her something. I get so disgusted with the way she treats him. But I hold my tongue because for some odd reason he thinks the world of his mother. She must have brainwashed him when he was an infant. I think that she�s a little unbalanced myself. She�s not right in the head. She can never just talk to him. She�s either yelling or guilt tripping, or talking so damn condescending to him, like she�s talking to a two year old. It irritates me!

I think I�m going to bed early tonight. I still haven�t caught up on sleep from three weeks ago yet.

I love Donna�s new place. I just wish that it wasn�t so far out. I think the trailer is cozy and I love the quietness of the location. Why couldn�t have been in Gardiner???

We could have problems then we bargained for soon. Chuck and Cora are fighting again and she wants him to come stay with Don, Sarah and Tammy in Litchfield. I told Donna that we just couldn�t allow that to happen. They finally got the household back to just women again and there are only three bedrooms. He�d have to sleep on the couch and that would put the living room off limits for most of the damn day. Plus when he�s around he follows Donna and I around like a little puppy dog and it�s terribly annoying.

On the 11th, and the 12th, Sarah is planning on having her birthday-sleep-over party. She wants James(that one might change), Walt and Stan to come and we all planned on getting some. If Chuck is there that whole plan is shot to hell. He won�t ever leave us alone. It will be pure hell.

And of course my biggest fear of having old Chuckles around constantly is him thinking now that Cora�s not around that he can maneuver on me. It just won�t be happening. If he does and Stan ever finds out, someone�s in trouble. Then I�m afraid that if he doesn�t make the moves, he�ll see Stan and I together and snap like he did that night with Tony. HELP!!!

He said that he was going to wait until Friday when Donna got electricity. Donna says that probably means he�s going to try and weasel his way back in with Cora between now and then. I hope so! That�s the last thing that I need right now. (Although I have to admit it would be kind of fun just to make Stan jealous and let him know he� s not the only one who wants me, but I�m sure that would wear off quick.)

Mom is late. Hmmm. Oh well she should be home soon so I better shut down. Don�t need her seeing this crap.

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic