Well, Stan has somehow invited himself to my family reunion tomorrow. I�m not quite sure how I feel about that. I mean, I�m glad that he wants to go, but I�m just not sure how he will mix with the family. I�m nervous. I don�t want him to embarrass me, and then again, I don�t want my family to embarrass me either.

I stayed over to Donna�s last night. We ended up going to the pool hall in Gardiner because Wizard�s was closed. We decided that we actually like that one better now. You don�t feel like you�re going to get accosted with someone�s eyes there. Stan came with us. I don�t know what the hell was wrong with me, but I wanted him on me constantly last night. It was disgusting. What�s even more disgusting was how I missed him so much after we dropped him off. I don�t think I like what�s happening to me.

I told him that we were off probation. That means that we are officially �going out�. Whatever that means. I don�t see any damn difference as to the way things were and they now are but it seems to make him happy.

Sarah got her period! HOORAY!!! We can all rest a little easier now knowing there will be no Benson baby�s in the family. Phew!

Donna, I do believe, has gone completely bonkers. I think that she has really started to fall into love with Walt and I think that she�s starting to believe it too. I�m hoping she�s not just setting her up for another damn fall. Maybe I�ll just have to take old Walter aside and have a little talk with my little bro. I love him dearly, but he won�t fuck with Donna�s heart strings and be another Scott.

Last night I was actually wondering if maybe I was falling in love. It seemed so much clearer last night. Now, since I haven�t seen him all day, it�s a bit more fuzzy. I definitely know that my feelings are getting stronger every time that I see him, but I don�t know how to define my feelings.

I don�t know what to do about his mother either. Get this: She told him that he was much better off with Sam, because at least when he was with Sam, he got treated well.

HELLO??? What�s wrong with that statement? According to Stan himself, Sam treated him like shit. So I asked him why she thought that I didn�t treat him good and he told me it was because of my hair.

Here�s the story. The day I had bought the hair dye to dye my hair red I went over to Stan�s house after. I casually mentioned that I was going to do it. He didn�t approve. He didn�t think that it would look as good. That was fine. He was entitled to his opinion, but that certainly was not going to stop me.

His mother thinks that because he told me he didn�t want me to and I did it anyway, that I�m treating him bad. I guess having a mind of my own makes me a horrible person. EXCUSE ME, but it�s MY hair. I will do what I want with it. It severely irritates me. Does she really think that being submissive to your man is treating him good? Okay, that�s fine for the guy, but what about you. How is that treating yourself. If you don�t do something that you want to do because someone else doesn�t want you to than that�s treating yourself like shit. I have to think about me too. That�s not being selfish, that�s knowing what I want and doing it. How can you ever expect to be a successful human being in life if you always back down to someone or something? You can�t.

Donna says she�s just mad cause Sam kissed her ass and I don�t do that. She says that even before three years of therapy, I have never been a kiss-ass. She told me something yesterday that I never knew. She is under the opinion that when I get going on something I am rather like a pit bull that has skipped it�s last three meals. She says I get too fired up about some things when they don�t even concern me. Like the way Scott treated her or the way that Bobby treats Lyn. She says I take things like that as a personal affront to me. And she�s right I do. It�s like when I see that something is wrong and someone just wants to let it go, I can�t. I have to make it be known that it is wrong and something should be done. There are just something�s that I can�t let be swept under the rug. I told her that if I wasn�t that way that I just wouldn�t be me.

It just surprised me that to hear Don and Sarah talk, they think of me as this bad ass bitch when someone is irritating me. I just don�t see myself that way at all. Sure I stand up for myself and for people who can�t do it for themselves, but that�s just respect as far as I�m concerned. I guess it�s just weird to hear how other people see you when you know how you are and it�s just not that way. Especially when you went from painfully shy to pretty much outspoken. It�s quite an abrupt change I guess. Part of me still sees me as the shy fat girl in the size twenty jeans--never again!!!--Scared someone was going to notice her. Boy times have changed on that one! I love to be noticed now. It�s a thrill.

I think I have done enough self-analysis for one night. I need to get to sleep if I have to face the relatives tomorrow. I hope things got all right. I have to brief Stan on my family. They are loud and obnoxious but it�s not their faults. He�s going to have to ignore comments about his hair from my grandparents and the like. Yikes! I hope it�s going to be okay!

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic