I spent the night over to Stan�s house last night. His mom was sick and staying at his grandmother�s. So his friends Chris and Michelle and I stayed the night. They stayed in the living room and Stan and I stayed in his room.

I think that I liked it a little too much. The original plan was not to have sex cause it was that time of the month. Well, I was just on the tail end of it and we started fooling around and well...It was okay, cause I had stopped bleeding by then. It was so nice to have sex and actually stay with the guy all night. Now you know something�s the matter with me, saying shit like that. I�m usually the first one out the door.

I think I�m falling in love with him. There, I said it. I just wanted constant attention from him--except when I was trying to sleep, then I just wanted him off--and I got a little pouty about it. Well, not pouty, but I wouldn�t go near him cause he wasn�t making any moves on me. We were going to fool around and then something was said and he got slightly pissy. He shut out the light and lay down on the bed--nowhere near me-- and made like he was going to sleep.

I don�t know what was wrong with me, but all I could think about was that night at Amy�s when Marcus tried to maneuver and I shot him down, but if he had persisted, I could have been convinced. He didn�t persist. He just flopped out next to me, not touching me and fell asleep. And so when Stan did that I was like oh, fine. And for some reason it really shook me up. I fumbled for my cigarettes and couldn�t find my lighter, when I asked where his was he didn�t answer but I knew he was awake. So I found it myself and lit it. I looked over my shoulder and said �You just proved my point.� And that�s all I could think about. I had told him that I loved him and now he was going to start pulling this shit all the time. I wanted to bawl.

He asked me what point and by then I was sorry I had said anything and just wanted to drop it. I didn�t want to talk about it because I would end up crying and then he would actually know that it hurt me. And that is still one thing I�m not ready to let show--that I can actually get hurt. So I said forget it. I told him that I was just in a mood and he should not worry about it. He kept after me for a little while and then let it drop. After that he was okay and we started fooling around.

Today I got upset with him cause I just felt that he was unjustly pissed at me. Okay, so the real reason is cause I asked him to do something and he didn�t do it. He was a real dick for a little while after I told him to go to hell. Then he wasn�t, and when I wouldn�t even look at him, he got kind of bitchy again. Then, once he noticed that I wasn�t going to be the one to stop the whole childish game, came the ass-kissing. He had to hang all over me and make sure that everything was all right.

And I think that the girls that we hung with all want him. Or at least like him more than friends. I don�t know, I think it�s the fact that I think I�m falling for him. It�s the unjustly jealous thing. Oh well.

I have so much more to write, but my eyes are shutting on me--only two hours sleep last night--and I have to get up in the morning.

God I miss him already and I�m seeing him tomorrow. I missed him as soon as I left him tonight. I disgust myself! When I was with him and we were cuddling and snuggling, all I could think to myself was God, I love him! NOT GOOD!!!

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic