*wink*

Well, Stan showed. But it was not a good night. Well, it was some of the time. Some of the time it was pure hell. We got into a fight yesterday. Kind of. I was pissed and he must of been too because the whole macho thing was present.

He also said something Saturday night that I won�t soon forget. James and Walt didn�t show up till 11:30 that night and James was talking about how Darcy is now going out with Dominic and how Samantha is now going out with Ronnie. Stan looks up and says: �My Sam?� And I went �Excuse me?� And they all hooted and hollered and whatnot. Stan quickly corrected himself by calling her his Ex-Sam. Whatever, the damage was done. So I basically ignored him for the rest of the time we were all in the living room. I remember that I sat in James�s lap for a while when Stan was giving Donna and Sarah back rubs, but I can�t remember if that was before or after he said it. I�m pretty sure it was after cause I remember hoping that it would piss him off. Then he threw one of his pity trips and went off into the kitchen. Donna and Sarah went to see if he was okay. I was still pissed about the Sam thing and wasn�t about to go near the asshole. I wasn�t there so I don�t know exactly what he said but Donna took me aside later and told me that Sarah asked if it was cause I wasn�t talking to him. He didn�t say anything so she said she thought it was because of the Sam thing--she was right--. He said that he was upset because whenever Walt was around that I paid more attention to Walt then I did to him. If that wasn�t completely out of left field, I don�t know what was. I had barely said two words to Walt that night. I don�t know where he got it from. I think he meant James but it was just easier to say Walt for him. But when I asked him later why he was upset with me--I wanted to hear him say it--he said he wasn�t. I told him that Donna had said he was so why was he? He said he didn�t even know why he had said that because he wasn�t upset with me. BULLSHIT! He doesn�t understand that if he�s upset with me he�s got to tell me or how am I supposed to know? I certainly tell him when I�m pissed off. Sometimes I think I am too old for this high school bullshit, and yet...

I miss him so much today it�s disgusting. I just saw him yesterday. I told him I�d be up Wednesday, but I guess I have to go up Tuesday instead. Maybe I�ll catch him doing something he�s not supposed to be. As long as it�s not withhis Sam! That one will not be forgotten. I can definitely see that one being brought up in future arguments. Just try and stop me from using that ammunition. It�s much too good.

Why am I such a flake? I go from being a total pissed off bitch, to missing him like crazy and wanting to be with him all the time. I think I am just fucked up in the brain. *sigh*

He leaves in a month. For four months! I don�t think that I am going to make it. The prospect of not seeing him for like two or three days drives me nuts. The only reason I make it through is cause I know I�m seeing him again fairly soon. I�m wondering if I should just dump him so I won�t have to go through it. It�s an idea but I don�t think I could do it.

Who knows?

If this is what love is, I'm not sure I want any part of it.

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic