Everything was cool when I got there. Marcus had been severely warned about hitting on the baby-sitter. They went out to Winthrop where they were supposed to spend the night. She called a little later and said they were coming back into town. They all came back to her place before heading out to the bar. They were all half in the bag and Marcus wasn�t really making the moves he was just talking to me a lot more then usual. Saying things like since I had a man and stuff he�d be good and he�d leave me alone. No problem. Then they left and Donna and Stan and Sarah showed up for a little while and I had said something about everyone coming back there and me not being able to go anywhere. Donna then proceeded to drag me into the bathroom and asked me if Marcus was spending the night there. I said as far as I knew and she gave me THE LOOK. I told her that I had it under control.

They left and everyone slowly started coming back to the apartment. Everyone seemed to be fighting as far as I could see. And eventually they all calmed down a little bit and things were reasonably cool. Then Marcus sits down beside me and gets into this heavy conversation about what an asshole he was back in the old days--I had to agree--and how bad he felt about it. I�m thinking--this guy is completely plowed. Which he was. But he kept asking me to forgive him and whether or not I was mad at him over it. I kept reassuring him and telling him if I�d held a grudge, I sure as hell wouldn�t be talking to him now. Then he starts saying that the fucked up thing is that now he�s attracted to me. And I�m thinking too fucking little too fucking late asshole. But he kept rambling on and on and on about how he wished I was single and he�d give anything to go back and change it and all this bullshit. How he wished he could have another chance. Then he starts asking me about Stan and shit. Sort of dissing him but not enough for me to take offense. And I told him my three rules. He says that he hopes that Stan will fuck up so that he can have a chance. And he kept saying that over and over too. It�s a damn good thing that we had the phone taken out cause he wanted my number. He kept asking me if I would be his friend and shit and I�m thinking--another James Benson, I do not need--but I said just to kind of shut him up.

And you know, normally just knowing that he wanted me that bad would be enough for me to say �okay, that�s all I needed to know, C-ya.� But now it�s like I still couldn�t have him cause of Stan and that makes me still kind of want him. I know the only reason I do is cause I can�t. Okay, rephrase--won�t. It did boost my ego kind of though, even though I know he was completely smashed out of his mind. He kept being good though. I�ll give him that. The most he did was rub my feet and feel my hair. Which for Marcus is outstanding.

Now of course I�m going to feel guilty about the whole thing when I see Stan. Not that I did anything wrong cause I told Marcus flat out, don�t bother I�m happy where I am. But still I feel like if I don�t tell him that maybe I'm keeping it secret for a reason.

I made the mistake of saying that Stan was going away soon. I was telling him how I had promised to wait and all he heard was the going away part. I love Stan and I want to try and make this thing work. If it don�t than fine, but I�m going to try.

So how come I can�t stop thinking about Marcus???

I'm beginning to think that Stan deserves a log better than me, a jealous basketcase that can't make up her mind.

I need to talk to Don! Maybe I�ll make an emergency trip up tomorrow.

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic