I have gained sixteen pounds. SIXTEEN!!! I�ll admit it has taken a real long time for me to gain that back, but the point is that I have. And I will never be fat again. So today I am starting again and I don�t give a damn if Pat wants to call it an eating disorder or whatever. I�m going to at least get back down to where I was. Even if I don�t lose anymore than that, I�m getting back down to where I was before and that�s final. There is nothing really else to even think about. What I need to ask myself when I have a craving is do I want that or do I want to fit into those size ten jeans again? I think I know the answer to that. I�ve got to focus on me and how much I hate my body when it starts to get this way again. How I hate the way it feels and that is more important than the food that I seem to think I need. I know I don�t need it because I�ve done it before. I need to start getting the low-fat alternatives again. I�m going to make it work. The only one that can stop me is me. I�m the one that�s been procrastinating and putting my diet off for the past four months, now it�s harder than ever to start back in. But I�ll do it because I have to. I hated myself after I gained all my weight back when I was on N.S. I don�t want to do that again. I like the way I felt sixteen pounds ago and I�m going to get there again. Bottom Line! If I start now and am super good it really won�t take that long. Maybe a month or a little more. Then if I keep going I could be even thinner by the time Stan gets back from Basic. But I�m not going to do it for him. It�s strictly for me. Because I don�t like the way I feel anymore. And because I can barely stand to look in the damn mirror anymore because my face is so puffy. I�m going to do it and that�s all there is to it!!!

I feel fairly good about today. I stayed pretty well on the wagon and tonight we went shopping for good things that I can eat to keep in the house so I won�t feel so tempted to eat my mother�s hidden little treats and things to take with me so that I won�t cheat so much when I go to Donna�s. I feel quite hopeful. I mean at least I�m starting to do something. For like the past four months I haven�t even tried to get a handle on this. I�ve just let it go and that was a BIG mistake! Now, hopefully I can get a hold of myself and at least get down to where I was. Once I stopped to check myself out I discovered that I can really feel that extra sixteen pounds. A lot. Even when I knew I had gained ten back it didn�t seem that bad. I guess the six more just set me off the edge. So as long as I get back to where I was I�m not going to worry about it too much. If once I�m there I feel like continuing then fine, but I just have to get back there first. And I will.

I just have to remember how good I feel right now at having eaten good today. Having taken back control of my body. I was out of control for a while. I would eat anything that wasn�t nailed down. I hope and pray that I have gotten that out of my system now and am ready to get back to work. I just have to remember that I would much rather spend money on all those cute clothes at the mall then on food and besides, how will any of those cute little clothes look any good on me if I resemble a tank more than I do a female.

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic