I got drunk and slept with Marcus.

No I'm not proud of it....actually I am. It was the BEST SEX I'VE EVER HAD!

Oh my god. I cannot even express!

I had mailed my kiss off letter to Stan two days ago so he can kiss my ass for all I care.

The sex was great. That wasn't the problem. I think I hurt his feelings or at least I have offended his massive male ego. I was telling him about my newfound--again--attitude of use 'em and lose 'em. He didn't approve. That was fine, I didn't need his approval. But this morning Lyn never woke me up to take me home like she was supposed to and so I was stuck there. I guess he didn't seem to mind, but I just felt like he wouldn't want me there anymore. So when my mom called I told her to come pick me up. And Bobby told me that I was welcome to stay and just joking around Marcus said, "No, she got what she wanted now she's getting out." But he was kidding. And when I left I just said C-ya and took off out the door, I thought I heard Marcus say something almost huffy, but I didn't think anything about it.

Well, I just called over to Lyn's right now to do damage control, because I was so drunk last night and I made a complete ass out of myself. Marcus answered the phone. I said is Lyn there and then his voice turned to ice and he just said yeah hang on. No flirting or anything and he sounded pissed. I think I blew it. Well, I wasn't the only one that screwed it up. I do not want a relationship with Marcus. But what I do want is a really cool friendship and maybe when we're both horny and without any partners for the night, some casual sex. That's the part that I think got screwed up somewhere between this morning and now. I know he took real offense to my use men line of thinking, but look who's judging who. He ain't got nothing to say on that one.

I'm just upset because I really do like Marcus. And I am so far in lust with him it's scary. But I don't want it to be uncomfortable for me to be around him now and I think that is what's going to happen now. It occurs to me that maybe he really did like me for more than a casual lay, but that's just so un-Marcus like that I really don't think that's it. Although it would explain it. I think it was more wounded ego than anything.

Lyn's telling me to treat it like it wasn't a big deal and than everything would be okay. I don't think it's going to be. And what scares me is how badly I still want him. I thought that if I could have him just once that I would have him out of my system, but now it's worse. Now it's just fanned the flames.

He is so good at it. I don't know what it is, but just kissing him, I get more turned on than I ever did with Stan period. Kissing. That's it. He's got some kind of magnetism. I can't help it. I still want him so damn bad. It's even worse now because I know what I'm missing. It wasn't really any special technique or anything, He just has so much more passion than anyone else I've ever been with. It's the magnetism thing. I'm scared that I'll never even be able to get along with him on a friendship level now. He's either insulted, hurt, or he just wanted me for a notch in his belt and now that he got it, doesn't want anything to do with me.

This is just not what I wanted. I wanted to keep it casual and not to think to deeply on the sex so we could still be friends, but definitely keep the sexual door open for further adventures--I'm not stupid!-- Speaking of being stupid. It's cool, I made him wear a condom. Not a problem. I'm just surprised he agreed so quick. I raked the hell out of his back. I was so drunk I was fucking biting him and everything. I'm so embarrassed now. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I don't see any reason why he should be. ARRRGH!!!

I already signed off once, but I don't think that I can stop talking about Marcus. I think I'm heading for trouble. He couldn't have caught me at a worse time. I'm totally rebounding from Stan and not even a couple weeks later all I can think about is Marcus. Of course none of this may even be an issue if Marcus doesn't get the bugs out of his ass and smarten up.

I should never have had sex with him, but I couldn't help it. I was so drunk and I had made up my mind that I was going to fuck him that night. And they were all in the kitchen over to Amy's whispering about going out and I told Marcus that if he took off and passed up this opportunity, then he was never gonna get another chance.--I think I was bluffing-- And he swore that he wasn't going to take off. And he didn't. I was actually kind of surprised. Then when we finally did get back to Lyn's he had to chat with her for an hour or so. Every so often giving me one of his mind-shattering kisses just to keep me in suspense. Then we finally get into the living room and Bobby invites George over then takes off in the bedroom. I told George that he was a cool shit and all but he was ruining my sex life. Finally we got down to it. It was worth the wait. God just thinking of kissing him again makes me so damn horny. I would hate to think that I would never get to have sex with him again. Of course I'm not going to fall all over him like his little groupies do either, but I'm willing to be friends and just have a little sex on the side every now and then, or maybe a lot. What's so wrong with that?

It wouldn't be so bad if I still didn't have a two year old crush on him. Last night was two years in the making for me. Not quite as long for him. Maybe about a month, if that. WHY DO I WANT HIM SO BAD??? What is it that he has, that I've never seen another man have? And why does he have to be such an asshole and be mad at me?

Held Back--Let Go

Clix me!

days until Stan goes to basic